You may think three is too soon to begin talking about sex with your child. However, by three, your child has already had plenty of messages about sexuality. Sexuality is more than just puberty and intercourse. From the time our children are born we’re sharing our values and attitudes about sexuality. When we cuddle our babies we’re teaching them how good it feels to be touched and loved. When we choose blue or pink, trains or dolls, we’re sending messages about male/female roles and expectations. Educating about sexuality includes teaching about anatomy, relationships, respect, body image, self-esteem, values, decision-making and gender roles.
It’s typical for three and four year olds to be interested in the differences between adult’s and children’s bodies and boys and girls. Playing “doctor,” pretending to be mommy or daddy and playing “dress up” are common types of play from which young children learn about the world. Masturbation is also normal; most children touch their genitals. Children shouldn’t be made to feel guilty about being interested in their own bodies, and by four can begin to understand the difference between private and public behavior and should be taught that this is private behavior.
A three year old will probably ask for information about sex. Listen for what’s being asked and provide basic information. If your child asks, “Where did I come from?” clarify what he’s asking and what he already knows. Your next response could be, “You started as a tiny egg inside Mommy’s body.” If he wants to know more, he’ll ask.
Children learn about sexuality from their peers, TV, advertising and music. You can be the most powerful influence over your child’s sexual attitude. Talking about sexuality allows you to share correct information and your family values. Children who are informed aboutsex and feel they can talk to their parents are less likely to engage in high-risk behaviors that can lead to early sexual activity.
To instill healthy ideas about sexuality:
- Teach proper body parts. By using words like “penis” and “vagina” children learn to respect their bodies and not be ashamed of private areas.
- Let your child know that you’re available to answer his questions. Repeat information until he understands, and have many discussions about sexuality. Decide about the kinds of information you and your partner will share, how you’ll answer questions and the family values you’ll impart.
- Recognize it’s okay to say, “I don’t know.” There are many good resources for you and your child to read and discuss together.
- Realize that your child may catch you off guard. You can say you want to answer her questions but need time to think of the best explanation. Be sure to get back to her. Never just avoid a question.
- Respect children’s privacy and teach children to respect others’ privacy.
- Explain what private parts are.
From Diapers to Dating: A Parent’s Guide to Raising Sexually Healthy Children, 2nd Edition, by Debra W. Haffner (Newmarket Press; $23.95)
How Babies Are Made by Andrew C. Andry and Steven Schepp (Time-Life Books; $10)