Let me set the scene: You’re at friend’s house. All of the children are happily engaged in play at the other end of the room. Suddenly you hear your two-year-old daughter scream. She comes running into your arms crying and pointing to a mark on her arm. You look at the arm and see that your child was bitten. Kids don’t bite or do they?
First you need to know that biting is a very common behavior among toddlers. The most typical reason is that it’s one of the few ways of communicating that’s effective for them, before their verbal skills are developed. Not all children bite. Some choose other forms of communication when dealing with anger or frustration such as grabbing or shoving. These actions rarely leave a mark so many time we’re unaware that there was an altercation. It’s the bite mark that gets the most attention and criticism.
Another reason toddlers bite is to express frustration, a feeling that’s very common with toddlers, leading back to their limited language. They don’t have the words yet to say, “I had it first” or “You’re in my space.” Many toddlers have realized that if someone takes their toy and they bite them, they get their toy back. They’re not biting because they’re “mean” children. They’ve just found a solution to a problem by using cause and effect. Toddlers may also bite because they’re teething, hungry or just because at this stage they’re still orally fixated and put everything in their mouth. Giving your child words such as “it’s mine” or “walk away” can help them express themselves better. For the teething, make sure you offer something to bite, like teething toys or a cold washcloth.
Your reaction to the biting is important. If your child was the one who bit, firmly tell her, “We don’t bite; biting hurts.” Keep it short and sweet. When you start lecturing with, “What you did really hurt Nicole and now she’s crying” it becomes a jumble of too many words and your child may lose the real message. What I’ve found helps is having the child that bit help care for the child who was bitten. I always ask permission of the bitten child because they might be afraid that it will happen again. Seeing the other child cry and helping soothe them makes little biters empathetic.
Remember
- It’s the action not the child that you’re unhappy about.
- See what was going on before the bite occurred. Too many children in a small space or everyone wanting to play with the same toy?
- Toddlers don’t know how to share yet, so please keep that “special” doll or truck in the closet until their play date is over.
Recommended Books:
-
Teeth Are Not for Biting by Elizabeth
Verdick (Free Spirit, $7.95) -
No Biting by Karen Katz (Penguin, $5.99) -
No Biting, Louise by Margie Palatini
(HarperCollins, $14.95)